Here I come with a Kempa-style search for a memory from my youth. I'm writing this before I make an attempt to research it, assuming that I'll find the answer without too much difficulty.

When I was in elementary school I sometimes had small boxes of Newman's Own Lemonade packed in with my lunch. There was some tomfoolery regarding the "virgin" nature of the beverage. At some point I noticed a paragraph of text on the back of the box, a totally bizarre narrative about running a marathon in Africa and having one's energy replenished by you-know-what. It was somewhat surreal and had many odd little details, and a rhythm to it, that combined in causing me to recite it in my head an unhealthy number of times. I remember a few things from it: the phrase "filched the nectar," and "Lemonade? No, Lemon Aid!" I could not figure out why this crazy piece of text was put on this product or where it came from. And that's what I want to know now.

* * *

Okay, that wasn't so bad. Here's the whole text:

The marathon in Africa … I'm halfway out and barely chugging. Mountain coming! Liquid needed! What's around? Water's bitter! Beer's flat! Gator, Blah Blah! … Fading fast. Then a vision – sweet Joanna! – tempting me with pale gold nectar … lemon is it? By golly! Lemonade? No, Lemon Aid! … Power added! Asphalt churning … Cruising home to victory! Hail Joanna! Filched the nectar (shameless hustler!) – In the market – Newman's Own!

It still has it for me--a unique insanity, the story so densely packed and yet so disjointed, so many strange images. It actually does remind me of the condensed thoughts one has when exerting oneself, as if a thought that requires more syllables also takes more energy even to think or speak internally. "Must...go...on..."

I always wondered if this were part of some series of stories by people inspired by this product, but I never saw any other ones. It turns out they were written by Newman and there were other ones on other products. You can find the rest of them here [warning: annoying and needless prevention of direct use of the 'back' button]. Apparently they also exist on the company's website, but I can't be arsed to go through a corporate site right now. Anyone else have memories of this?